The Final Countdown: Faith Hill vs. Preakness Part 1

Faith Hill proved once again that somebody out there must really love the Black and Black. Faith forged its way to the last game of the season, milking their league fee for all it's worth. "I just really wanna get the most out of my $55" said cheapskate Joe "Take a Penny" Veenstra. "If we have to keep winning games in order to play more games, so be it". 

Jigsy "The Big Unit" DeKorte was phenomenal on the mound, relinquishing a mere 4 runs in the first and conceding 0 the rest of the game. Brad "Return of the Oppo" Jacobs lasted roughly 2 weeks in Geezerville before realizing that playing for a 75 and under softball team just wasn't cutting it. "There was a void in my life that I knew could only be filled by Faith Hill softball" he admitted. Jacobs sparked the Black and Black by calling his teammates "babe" and demonstrating sound fundamentals, in addition to merely being present. 

Before the game, the captains from each team flipped a coin to decide who would complain to the umps about having "ringers". Faith won the toss, leaving the whining and moaning to Preakness, who gave it their all. 

Ben "6:29" Kuiken failed to wear a statement shirt to the game, leaving the Black and Black motivationally-challenged. However, his fiancé saved the day with a bold "Show no mercy" shirt which catapulted the Black into a softball frenzy. 

The post game soirée at the Bushovens was legendary, and cannot truly be captured via blog. Luckily, I was able to record some golden stories from the Skip, Jeanne, Roy and Scott aka "The Dream Team". I am not sure the blogosphere is ready for the tales I currently possess on my iPhone. I'm not sure it ever will be. For now, I have some quality memories that I can revisit for good laughs/blackmail. 

Post Game Carnage Report: Faith Hill vs. Midland Park

There are only two things that scare me in this world: Carnies, and Midland Park's softball team.

Fortunately for Faith Hill, Midland Park didn't recruit any carnies to play for their team. Even more fortunate for Faith Hill was the fact that Midland Park's bats were unconscious and under strict DNR orders. MP's raw hatred for Faith Hill wasn't enough this time around. When inquired about the origins of their animosity for Faith, Frank Spoelstra exclaimed "She totally ruined country music for me by making it mainstream. Now all the teeny-bopper poseurs listen to it and it makes me sick." After reminding Spoelstra that I wasn't talking about the singer (Come on, we've been over this before, people. Read the blog.) he shook his head and said "Oh. Well how much time you got?" 

Clutch performances by Nick "Ambidextalicious" Steigingangingong and Noah "Oppo or Die" Ruitenberg were key in their victory over the Oranje. Despite nursing a bruised hand, veteran All-Star pitcher Jigsy "Jim" DeKorte controlled the pace of the game and had a crucial RBI. 

"With Veenstra on third and 'The Gazelle' chugging down the line, I knew I had to go to first' said whoever the third baseman is for Midland Park. Faith Hill used their voodoo magic to psych out the MP defense, rendering their logic and motor skills utterly obsolete. 

The Black and Black will return to the finals for the (n)th time in a row*, facing Preakness for the second year in a row. 

Keys for Tonight's Game: 

1. Play softball better than them

2. All they got is Carmen

3. Come on, really? Preakness? 

4. ???

5. Win

Faith Hill vs. Unity 1: Back in Black Part 1

In the 2014 Atlantic Stewardship Interstitial Fluid League playoffs, Faith Hill has been adequate, winning a few games here and there. This particular year, the Black and Black decided not to show up to the game against Midland Park, preferring to play at the vastly superior Goffle Brook Park field in the "sorta OK" bracket.

Which takes us to today. Faith Hill vs. Unity Uno. A clash of the titans. Mano-a-mano. Showdown throwdown. (You get the idea)

Unlike their embarrassing display vs. Midland Park, the Black and Black remembered that softball bats are used for getting base-hits and not for fencing, killing pesky attic dwellers or re-enacting 1940's gangster movies. "For the longest time I stared at these long, aluminum stick things, not knowing what in the ham sandwich it was for", drooled Joe "Vanilla Thunder Thighs" Veenstra.  "Then, it hit me...which kinda hurt a lot. Luckily, it jogged my memory and I soon realized that these so-called "bats" are used to hit softballs various distances!"

And various those distances were indeed. Veenstra explored every grain of sand in the infield, only 1 of which was actually a hit. "My bat is hot right now", exclaimed Veenstra, who boasts a .145 average. The Boys in Black managed to get more runs than the other team, resulting in a successful outcome for the team that wasn't Unity One. 

Tonight, Faith Hill looked like themselves, showing no mercy to hoards of beer bottles and pizza. Roy Boy got into the mix and was 1 for 1 on poop stories, leveling him with his son's total on the season. Wildcard Jeanne Bushoven recorded her 32nd "story-steal" of the season, interrupting Roy mid-story a record 14 times. 

Jigsy miraculously pulled off a rare completely-conscious after party appearance, managing to fight off sleep for almost 2 hours straight. The Black and Black hope to show this kind of dedication to the team as they play Midland Park this Thursday. 

Keys for tonight's victory: 

1. Fight the temptation to skip the game and B-line it to Skip's hot tub

2. Show up to the correct field 

3. Try not to suck 

4. Pray Midland Park does

Post Game Carnage Report: Faith Hill vs. Unity Deuce

After last night's performance by Faith Hill, Unity Deuce is probably petitioning to change the rules of softball to 2 outs per inning. Just when you thought the Negra y Negra were down and out, they were up and safe. In true Faith Hill fashion, the Atlantic Stewardship Intercourse Pennsylvania League's "bad boys" discovered Unity Two's weakness and exploited the snot out of it.
"After 2.5 innings of unadulterated bush-league, I became desperate. So I sold my soul for a couple key hits" mumbled Joe "Rally Killer" Veenstra. Yahoo! Sports stated that Veenstra is suffering from the weight of his actions at the plate and is reportedly "seeking counsel" at a local Softball Anonymous group.

Despite Faith Hill's watches being set to "amateur hour", they managed to pull off the win for another trip to the Final Four. On Monday, they face the seasoned veterans of Midland Park. After the game, Roger "The Skip" Steingingningeingia told the Black and Black that "in order to beat this talented squad, we gotta try our hardest to not be distracted by their bright orange uniforms and pale Dutch skin". Legendary athletes and hilariously over-qualified analysts Magic Johnson and John Madden also chimed in via satellite, adding that Faith needs to "score more runs than the other team". Wiser words have never been spoken.

At the post-game rendezvous, expectations were low in regards to whether or not the squad would hear obscenely loud, crude and tired stories from yester-year due to the fact that the team's favorite story teller, Scott Bushoven, was absent. When asked why he couldn't attend the rager, Bushoven replied "I gotta get home so I can DVR The Bachelorette". For this atrocious act of betrayal, Bushoven suffered a loss of 134 respect points, putting him dangerously close to Veenstra's total of 0.

Luckily, the Skip picked up the slack with stories about assaulting his elders and threatening murder in the 1st degree. As a whole, the Black and Black averaged roughly 3.6 laughs and 2.2 cackles per minute. When asked about the Skip's performance, Noah "I Don't Have a Nickname Yet" Ruitenberg replied "Are we all out of bacon already? Seriously? I only had 2 slices. I guess I'll have sausage, or whatever".

In the gaming world, Mario Kart was dominated by Veenstra, who admits that "Kart is really all he has going for him right now". That's all for today. Tune in Monday (or whenever I get bored) for another Nobel prize-winning blog post.

July 18th, 2014: Faith Hill vs. Unity Deuce

[x] Desire
[x] Determination
[x] Cucumbers
[x] Dedication
[x] Guts
[x] Fabric softener
[  ] Playoff victory vs. Unity 2

Tonight, Faith Hill has one thing on their minds: "Does Roy have any more fireworks? Those were sweet".

Oh, right...and softball.

Definitely softball.

In an attempt to spark a glorious propane fueled fire in his teammate's bellies, motivational speaker Joe "Losing is for losers" Vanderstrasma reminded his team that they do, in fact, have a game tonight. "You sure that's tonight?" lamented Jigsy, who was hoping to save his arm for picking up and putting down multiple cans of Miller Lite®. Try the new pop-top cans which allow you to inhale our beered-down water so fast that you forget you're drinking it!--Sponsored sentence.
***Buy a PRO subscription to Faith Hill Softball: The Blog to remove pointless jargon about softball and only get the Miller Lite-posts that you desperately crave!*** Now it's time for the Miller Lite ACTION PARAGRAPH.

Faith Hill knows that this important game vs. Unity 2 is important for the team to advance to the Final Four, which is also important if Faith Hill wants to continue eating pizza and hear Scott Bushoven tell important PG-13 rated stories in a boisterous and rambunctious manner. Will Faith heed their courageous leader's words and try not to suck? Find out tonight at Field 2 in North Haledon. (If possible, show up early and snag the good bench. You know which one I mean.)

Faith Hill Softball Has Gone GLOBAL

Faith Hill Softball has garnered interest from Germany, recent World Cup winners! At a staggering 2,356,450* pageviews from the efficient powerhouse, it's clear that Faith Hill softball's reputation has transcended not only the world, but also space and time. What does the future have in store for the Black & Black? The possibilities are endless.

They are also unlikely.






*Margin of error ~2,356,449

July 15, 2014: Faith Hill vs. Mother Nature

Intensity...passion...heart. To the laymen, these are merely three words one could find in Merriam-Webster's dictionary. In the Atlantic Stewardship Prehistoric Geriatric League, these words describe the post-season. The post-season is not for the faint of heart. If you forget your game at home on any given playoff outing, it could prove costly for you and your squad. Luckily for Faith Hill, the Black checked their guts and stowed their heart in the overhead compartment as carry-on for the beginning of the 2014 playoffs.

Unfortunately for Faith Hill, their first opponent was Mother Nature. In 194 meetings, Mother Nature has not conceded a single loss to the Black & Black. A perfect record like this is unprecedented in Atlantic Stewardship Interchangeable Graphic Format League history, and is unlikely to be replicated any time this millennia. On July 14th 2014, the story remained the same. Mother Nature used RAIN STORM and was very effective. Unity 2 and St. Paul's were unable to compete, leaving Faith Hill's next opponent TBA.

Similar to Mother Nature, Faith Hill's record vs. TBA isn't impressive. Faith Hill is win-less against unknown opponents, averaging 0.01 runs per game. Team water-boy Joe "Gatorade Sucks" Veenstra was unable to be reached for comment, as he stated he was "busy blogging to his beloved fans". An inside source suspects Veenstra will be replaced in right field by a scarecrow next year, in an attempt to free up cap-space/spare the sanity of team members.

The Skip

Faith Hill Softball: The First Post

AT LAST! The moment you've all been waiting for. You've seen them in black. You've seen them in purple (briefly). You've seen them in black....again. Now, you'll see them in 2D from the convenience of your desktop/laptop/bare-naked lap whilst you sit on the porcelain throne.

IT'S FAITH HILL SOFTBALL....THE BLOG.

Remember when you desperately yearned for updates, statistics and inspirational quotes from the rag-tag Faith Hill softball team? Well those days are over. Joe "Fielder's Choice" Veenstra has taken it upon himself to painstakingly chronicle the epic journey of Faith Hill Softball, sparing no expense*.

*Since Time=Money, writing this blog is extremely expensive.You can't rush art.

Ever since the genesis of the Atlantic Stewardship Interscholastic Communist Party League, Faith Hill has been an integral part of the country-pop genre, emerging onto the scene in 1999 with her pop hit "Breathe". Wait. Wrong Faith Hill. I digress.

In other news, the Faith Hill softball squad struggled during the 2014 season, suffering a 1/2 of a loss to Heritage; a crushing blow to the Black & Black. "I can't believe it" muttered an Asian center fielder who wished to remain anonymous. "This is unacceptable. If we're going to attempt to compete in the legendary Atlantic Stewardship Interplanetary 4H-Club League , we need to do better than 10.5-0.5" grumbled Alan Softballsma, a well-respected Goffle Brook Park homeless man.

Veenstra, known for his words of wisdom/philanthropy/Pulitzer Prize-winning blogs, bellowed "Let's try not to suck" to the Black before their greatly anticipated game versus Covenant, which was subsequently cancelled due to lack of interest. Bruce "I Need A Runner" Borduin contributed to the positive and uplifting comments of Veenstra by adding "Let's have a day black....as long as it's G-Rated". Being unable to play, the Black resorted to plan A and hit the Budweiser at Roy Boy's until the cows came home. Team members were enthralled with Roy Bushoven's pyrotechnics, despite being highly illegal and dangerous to pedestrians. (Please send all neighborhood complaints/hate mail to 237 Gamba Ct, North Haledon, NJ.)

After a few refreshing adult beverages and countless fecal matter-related stories, the Faith Hill squad declared victory over Friday night. This was their 121st successful softball after-party since softball was invented in 1887.

Next week, the Black hope to eat more pizza and dri--win another softball game against the winner of St. Paul vs. Unity 2. Both squads boast a whopping 5.4 fans in attendance per game, which towers over Faith's embarrassing 0.0 fan count total on the season. When asked why Faith's fanbase was so pathetic, veteran pitcher Jeff Botbyl stated "No, I'm not going to say that. You better not publish that online for anyone to read. I have a reputation to uphold". This was Botbyl's 23rd faux-quote of the season, putting him second behind honorary captain Joe "Reached on Error" Veenstra with 23.4.

This post is dedicated to Brad Jacobs, beloved oppo-hitter and (til recently) second baseman for the Black & Black, who decided to retire 43 years early to Geezerville, Florida. We miss you already Brad. We hope you live by the Faith Hill softball motto, and try not to suck.